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(no subject)

Dec. 30th, 2008 | 12:06 am

Ah! I can't even think straight right now. "/
I am tired of thinking about my problem with this one particular person. I want to change things so bad, but it's not going to change.

Ugh! Fuck people. Fuck relationships. Fuck chances. Just fuck it all. For real.

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(no subject)

Dec. 28th, 2008 | 09:43 pm

So, I was watching a movie earlier. The movie that I was watching is called The Cell. It has Jennifer Lopez and Vince Vaughn in it.

That movie has got me thinking. Like, Jennifer Lopez plays a psyhcologist, and they're doing this thing where she is going into people's minds. They hook her up to this thing, as well as the persons mind she is going to be in, and she sees their dreams. (I think they only use patients in comas). Anyways, they capture this cereal killer and she is in his mind. He has shitozphrenia (Not sure how it's spelled), and he sees some really weird shit.

We all think that if you have that disorder and you see things like that, then you're not normal. But do we really have a definition as to what normal is? Really, who decided what normal is? I do not approve of killing people,  or doing anything of that nature. I do think it is wrong, but the things that he sees is not killing people. He sees all types of weird objects, and just things that you and I consider not normal.

How do we know that what we all do everyday is just normal? I don't really see how we can tell what normal is.

I don't believe in God, but the people who do think that what we do everyday is normal. Being nice to people, uhm, going to church, praying and everything. How do we know that this 'man in the sky', I guess I will call him, wants us to do these things. Some people who go insane and kill people may say "God told me to do it.". How can we just assume that God didn't want him to do it? If God really spoke to him personally, how can we say that he didn't? People that we call sane can say that God spoke to them and told them to do something that is right, but how do we know for sure that God doesn't want some of these people to do wrong?

Let me say something, if there was peace in the world, I bet no one would like any part of life. There would be no horror movies, or violent movies or any of that. The world knows that everyone loves violence. That's how most of us in this world deal with hurt, sadness, all types of anger, and just frustration. Nearly everyone's first reaction to someone saying shit about them is to go and beat their ass.

I mean, if there wasn't suppose to be violence then why would this "God" have created it if he didn't want it? I know people say that God expects us to do good and everything, but what about those of us who don't believe that some man in the sky? No one has ever met God, at least not in this lifetime. So, how can we really believe that he is there telling us to do all these things?

Also, why would God let his son, Jesus, get killed and hung on this Holy Cross or whatever, and then turn around and point at us and say that when we do something bad, like curse, or hit someone that we're bad people? I know you can ask for forgiveness and all of that, but why is it that it's okay for God to do something so wrong, and cruel and say that he was saving our world? Letting us live by killing his son.

Who in this world right now would kill their son and believe that it is doing right for the world? Not anyone in their 'normal' mind. God doing it is normal, but you know, if someone killed their son and then told the world that he thought he was going to make the world better then we would all think he's nuts. It's not okay for us to believe that we are doing right by doing some strange things, but God is perfectly 'normal'.

I believe that if the world was 'normal' then we'd all be the same. No one can be normal. There are millions and millions of different people in this world. We all look at each other 'cause we're all different. I think that since we're all different, then there can be no normal. What might be normal to one person could not be normal to another. So, I believe normal does not exist. I think it's another word out of the dictionary that we use to judge people. Fuck being normal if it means being accepted.

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(no subject)

Dec. 28th, 2008 | 12:53 am

1. I am 16 years old.
2. My birthday is August 4, 1992.
3. I am bi-sexual.
4. I was held back in Kindergarten.
5. I had a baby at 15, and yes I still have her.
6. I don't like Christmas.
7. I only really like Halloween.
8. I have ALWAYS loved Britney Spears.
9. Chris Crocker is one of my heroes :) No matter how derranged is he.
10. I suck at school.
11. I can't cook, unless it's microwaveable, Ramen Noodles, or baking cookies.
12. I love MySpace.
13. I have been in love ONCE.
14. I'm shy, but also somewhat outgoing when I get to know you better.
15. I think the movie "I Know Who Killed Me" sucked.
16. I was never really a Heath Ledger fan until The Dark Knight.
17. I get scared easily.
18. I taught myself how to type. Carpal Tunel, here I come. lol
19. I want to learn how to play drums.
20. I stopped wanting to play Guitar 'cause now everyone wants to.
21. I like being different. We all are.
22. I do admit that I judge people before I know them, but they more than likely had a judgement about me, too.
23. I use to drink Monster Energy everyday, up to 4 times a day.
24. I hate spending my own money, but it's not hard for me to spend my mom's.
25. I'm not selfish, but some people think I am.
26. I am also NOT stuck-up, but again, some people think I am.
27. I prefer rock over rap music.
28. I envy a lot of people.
29. I do not think I am very pretty, but I do know that I am prettier than a lot of other people.
30. I love wrestling
31. I think Wendy's is kinda nasty, but sometimes I crave it.
32. I want to work at Hot Topic.
33. I don't like Flordia.
34. I use to love having pets, but a lot of the time I want them to disappear.
35. I'm not sure who my true friends are, and I'm scared that the people I think I am really close to won't be there in the end.
36. I want too much.
37. I give Kudos to guy who threw the shoes at George W. Bush.
38. I love reading.
39. I thought the Twilight movie kinda sucked.
40. I don't eat any fruits. They're nasty.
41. I only eat 6 vegetables.
42. I use to want to be a teacher when I grew up.
43. I also wanted to be a singer.
44. I once drew a picture in art, in 5th grade with my dream of being a singer and I looked like E.T.
45. I have poor drawing skills.
46. I have never seen The NIghtmare Before Christmas.
47. I think it is overrated.
48. I think everyone having kids and wanting babies are stupid.
49. I don't believe in God.
50. I support what Chris Crocker has said about God
51. I want to make YouTube Videos eventually.
52. I wish I lived in Canda.
53. I usally only wear black shirts.
54. I have never had my own cell phone. Who cares, right? lol
55. Even though I think I am fat, there are people who are 100lbs bigger than me that I am jealous of.
56. I think Scene is cute.
57. The Perks of Being A Wallflower is definitely in my Top 5 Favorite Books.
58. Most of my time is put into doing stupid shit online.
59. I have the lowest self-esteem.
60. I hate hospitals.
61. I hate needles, but I love getting piercings and I want tattoos.
62. I have my ears pierced, my belly button, and I finally got my lip pierced again.
63. I still listen to Aaron Carter.
64. I still love the Backstreet Boys and N'Sync.
65. I don't think American Idol is that good of a show.
66. I kinda wish that I was a guy.
67. I use to love Science, but I'm failing that shit.
68. I hate math.
69. It took me years to learn fractions.
70. I still don't really know how to do fractions.l ol
71. I love playing Animal Crossing on GameCube.
72. I usually don't HATE people, but there are two people in this world that I hate with a passion.
73. I hate rain.
74. I don't like being alone, even though I tell people that it doesn't bother me.
75. When people ask me to sit with them or join in there conversation, I say no, even though I want to.
76. I love Good Charlotte. They're my favorite band.
77. Jeffree Star is hot. lol
78. Boy George was, too, back in the day.
79. I wish I could be someone who starts trends.
80. I always wanted to be super popular, but now I just want to be better noticed.
81. I use to never leave the house without my nails painted black.
82. There's one person I wish I was, but I don't really know why. lol
83. I hate writing these things, but I want to anyways.
84. Augusta Gone is my favorite movie.
85. Sometimes I wish my teenage years would just be full of drugs and drinking, I don't even know why.
86. I think it's 'cause of that movie, 'cause it reminds me so much of myself that I kinda just wish that movie was my life.
87. I am aware that is strange
88. My shoulders hurt right this second.
89. I like wasting my time on stupid shit like this. lol
90. I am almost done.
91. I don't know how to read Manga right.
92. I hate my feet.
93. I hate everyone's feet.
94. I think they're disgusting.
95. I want a Monkey.
96. They're my favorite animal.
97. I love Elvis movies.
98. I also love his music.
99. His daughter is strange.
100. And I'm done. haha

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(no subject)

Dec. 27th, 2008 | 11:11 pm

1. What was the last time you had a pillow fight? With whom?
I don't even recall. That was probably years ago.

2. What do you use to wash off all your make-up?
I usually don't wear make-up, but I find that Baby Oil takes it off real well.

3. Have you ever snuck into the guys' restroom at your school?
I didn't sneak into it. I accidently walked in there. lol

4. Have you ever just suddenly ran out of a classroom during a test because you were "sick" to avoid the test?
Never done that. I have never been sick in class to make me run out, either.

5. Have you heard of The Rocket Summer?

6. Do you find the AXE "Bam Chicka Wow Wow" commercials to be funny?
I forget exactly how the commercials went.

7. Would you rather watch Big Brother or America's Next Top Model?
America's Next Top Model. I love that show. I watched a whole marathon of Season 7, I believe it was.

8. When was the last time you had Chinese take-out? What is your favorite take-out food?
I have no idea.

9. Have you seen Al Gore's "An Inconvenient Truth"?

10. Have you thought about Halloween and what you want to dress up as recently?
No, Halloween has already passed. I don't dress up for Halloween.

11. Which of your friends posts the most useless bulletins on your myspace?

12. Do you want ones of those iPhones? How about an enV?
I like the iPhones, but I don't know if I'd want one, and I can't stand the enVs. They're ugly. lol

13. Do you know what BAMF stands for? Are you a BAMF?
Bad Ass Mother Fucker.
and you know I am a BAMF. :)

14. Have you ever stapled your hand on accident?
I think I did when I was little. The memory is vivid, but I am still not sure if I really did that.

15. Do you know that whole story about the toes on your feet, talking about pigs?
No, I don't remember it.

16. Do you still use your home phone?
Not really.

17. How many community service hours are you required to have? How many do you have so far? Where do you [want] to volunteer?
I don't think I have to do community service. None, and I don't volunteer. I use to want to volunteer at an Animal Shelter.

18. Do you know sign language for "bitch"?

19. Have you made a zwinky?

20. When was the last time you made a video? What was it about?

21. Did you know you could comment yourself on myspace?
I think so. lol

22. Do you know how to make a paper hat? a paper boat?
I don't remember how to make either.
</span>24. What is your favorite "World Wonder"? How many wonders have you been to?
I don't know what a World Wonder is.

25. Do you like Seattle's rainy climate? Or would you prefer a more sunny climate like in Florida?
I have never been to Seattle, but I would love to go. I can't stand Flordia.

26. Do you want to see the movie "I Now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry"?
Yes, I do.

27. Do you think The King of Queens is a pretty good sitcom?
I don't think I have ever watched it before.

28. Have you read Middlesex, a fictional book about a hermaphrodite? Does it seem gruesome/gross or interesting to you?
I've never read it, and by it's title, I don't think I want to. lol

29. Would you ever want to go jet skiing?

30. Do you know any dirty words and phrases in Spanish. Give us an example:
I know how to say Penis in Spanish. At least, I think it is Spanish for Penis. lol

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(no subject)

Dec. 27th, 2008 | 10:38 pm

| RED is for anger |
01: Would you say you have a short temper?:
My mom would say so, I would have to agree with her. lol
02: Have you ever reacted violently when angry?:
Plenty of times. Which is why I am on probation right now. I accidently broke a window.

03: Have you ever turned red?:
I don't think so. I've never been around a mirror while angry.

04: What was the last thing to really piss you off?:
Well, a friend of mine flipped out because I smacked her. It wasn't even that hard, and if it was I'm sorry. Well, after I did what I did she punched me in my arm. It hurt super bad. So, I just became bitchy and stayed quiet.

05: Are you ever argumentative?:
Very much so.

06: Have you ever intimidated someone so much you made them cry?
I'm not sure.

07: How do you calm down when u have been angry?:
I try to just listen to my iPod, read, or write.

|YELLOW is for happiness |
01: Have you ever really experienced true happiness?:
I suppose.

02: Do you believe that happiness is something you need to work for, or does it come naturally to you?:
I think you have to work for happiness. Sometimes you just get so caught up in thinking that 'good things come to those who wait', but you can't wait forever. If nothing is happening, make it happen.
Yeah, you can quote me. lol

03: Are you happy at the moment?:
Not really.

04: What makes you smile?:
Her smile, her laugh, just her in general.

05: Are you known to be quite a smiley person?:
Not really. I'm not real sure what I am known as.

06: What was the last thing that made you happy?:
I can't recall.

07: Did you have a happy childhood?:
Not really. I mean, not everything is perfect, but I am content with it.

08: Or, do overly happy people just get on your nerves?:
If they're extremely over happy, you know that they're not happy at all.

| PINK is for love |
01: Do you believe in true love, or does the idea of it just make you cringe?:
I believe in True Love, but I also believe that you may not just have one True Love. You see people get on Oprah, or even Dr.Phil, and they talk about losing a loved one. For example, this one lady on Dr.Phil lost her husband after they left dinner. I believe it was on their anniversary. Not really sure if that's right. Anyways, well, they crashed into a Telephone Pole, or it may have been just an Electric Pole (Is that the same thing? lol). Anyways, she was on there and was talking about how she'll never love again. Well, all she ever did with her daughters was watch home movies and look through photo albums. That is very sweet, by the way. Throughout watching the footage, she was told that she needs to really move on. It is very hard to move on, but we all will probably have to sometime in our life. She was hurting her daughters. They even said that "We don't want Mommy to be sad and cry, Daddy's in Heaven." It was so sad, but she started dating again.

I know that if I was in that position, I'm not so sure if I could move on. It'd make me feel like I was just forgetting my love before the currrent flame, but that's just me. I guess I'll never really know how I'd feel unless it happens to me.

02: Are you a romantic sort of person?:
Yes, I am. I mean, I don't think I can come up with very romantic things for a significant other, but I sure as hell would try my best.

03: Have you ever been in love?:
Yes, I have.

04: If so, what did it feel like?:
It's just overwhelming. Especially in the beginning. There are so many feelings floating around, your heart races, you feel like you're going nuts. It's a wonderful feeling, but at the same time it is very scary.

05: Have you ever loved someone so much it hurt?:
Yes. I think the reason that it hurt me is because when you really love someone, you instantly become scared of losing them. I guess some people just handle it better than others. Other people are better at pushing that aback.

06: Have you ever been heartbroken or been the heartbreaker, even?:
I've never truly have my heartbroken. Of course, most people go through that first boyfriend thing when they're like twelve, and you don't even date for a year and then they break up with you and you cry. That's just something that happens. 'Cause you usually always think your first boyfriend is the greatest guy, or girl if you have a girlfriend, ever.

I know that I have broken somone's heart. I really never meant to. I am a teenager, and I'm really not sure what I want. I also don't even know why, but I just want the teenage experiences of being hurt, "loving", and just doing whatever. I don't know why I want that so bad, but I do. I guess I just want to feel normal in my life, even if it's not for long. I guess you'd have to really know my life to know what I mean. I'll probably write about it sometime. lol

07: Have you ever experienced unrequited love?:
I am not sure what that is.

08: When you’re in a relationship, do you celebrate Valentines Day?:

GREEN is for envy |
01: Are you naturally a jealous sort of person?:
Yes, but it's only because of what I've believed about myself my whole life. If I would have been happy with myself when I was little then I wouldn't be so worried about people. I blame my unhappiness as a child for what I feel about myself today.

02: Do you get jealous when in relationships?:
Yes, 'cause I'm always scared someone is better than me.

03: What kind of things make you jealous?:
Someones perfect hair, their pretty clothes that just lay across their body perfectly, anyone who has an extremely gorgeous smile. Ya'know, that kinda thing.

04: Are you ever jealous of your friends?:
Some of them.

05: Have you ever been totally spiteful due to jealousy?:

06: Or, have you ever been the victim of someone else’s jealousy?:
I don't think anyone is jealous of me.

07: Are you jealous of people with more money?:
Not really, no.

08: What was the last thing to make you jealous?:
Uhm,. a friend of mine was with a friend of hers, and it just made me really jealous. lol

| PURPLE is for passion |
01: Which of your interests are you most passionate about?:

02: Are you passionate about your future?:
Not really.
03: Are you sexually passionate?:

04: Do you have a high sex drive?:
I had a baby, sex is the last thing on my mind. lol

05: Do you think passion is important in a relationship?:
Yes. If your relationship is getting strong.

06: Do you think sex is important in a relationship?:
It's def. not the most important thing ever. You can't have sex all of your life.

07: How many ‘lovers’ have you had?:

08: What particular beliefs or causes are you passionate about?:
I'm not sure.

| ORANGE is for health |
01: Do you think you lead a healthy lifestyle?:
I did before I got pregnant.

02: What does your diet consist of?:
I don't diet. I am going to try and start soon, though.

03: Describe your figure:
After-Pregnancy, 5 months later. lol

04: Have you ever had an eating disorder?:

05: Do you eat fruit and vegetables?:
I don't eat any fruits that I have ever tried. I refuse to try a lot of them. I only eat 6 vegetables.

06: Do you play sports?:
Not really. I want to play basketball ever since I left Danneh's.
I forgot how fun it is just to shoot and mess around.

07: What exercise do you take regularly?:

08: Are you a member of a gym?

| BLUE is for sadness |
01: Have you ever suffered from depression?:

02: Have you ever been on any medication for a mental disorder?:
Yes. I have Bipolar Disorder. The doctors thought I had ADHD when I was little. The doctor I had was an idiot. We believe that I have ADD.

03: What kind of things make you sad?:
There are too many things that I could list that make me sad.

04: Do you cry often?:
Not nearly as much as I use to.

05: What was the last thing to make you cry?:
I'd rather not talk about it.

06: Do you think you are very emotional and sensitive?:
I am extrememly emotional, but I try my hardest to not show it. And I am very sensitive, especially when it comes to certain kinds of jokes toward me as a person, or even my weight. Although my weight is due to a baby, but still.

07: Have you ever self harmed or considered suicide?:
I've harmed myself for about 4 years, I even went to the hospital for it. I have also thought about suicide. I think about it almost everday, but I am 99.9% sure that I will NEVER do it. I am far too scared of death to just kill myself. If I knew where exactly I would go, and everything like that, I'd probably be way more likely to commit suicide.

08: Who do you go to when you’re sad?:
I try to kinda stay away from people. I don't think very many people care about people's problems anymore. Which is sad, but true.

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(no subject)

Dec. 26th, 2008 | 04:11 am

Of course, I am already going to post another blog. This is the third one today. In like, 2 hours? I don't really know how long it has been.

Anyways, I have been thinking. This is something I always seem to think about, 'cause I don't understand. Like, I don't understand millions of other things in my life. And not just my life, but really, life in general.

I don't understand why people don't like me. Like, whenever I go to a new school, no one talks to me or anything. It's like they just want to stay away from. Do I really leave that impression on people? To just stay away? I mean, I am just really shy. I also think that maybe they just find me repulsive and disgusting in some way. Even when I meet new people while hanging out with other friends. It seems like they don't even care that I am there. They just don't seem interested in conversating with me in anyways, whatsoever. I will try and have a conversation with them and they just give short, simple and quick answers. As if they just want me to shut up and quit talking to them.

I always wonder if it really has anything to do with the way I look. I know that I'm not fucking skinny. I had a damn kid! What are other people's reasons for being overweight? Ya know? I mean, damn. I couldn't even fucking walk during my pregnancy. I had placenta previa. I am not going to explain that either. I was just basically told that I was not aloud to walk a lot. And then, I know that I am not even the slightest bit pretty. I just don't find anything attractive about myself. It might be because I don't think anyone else does either. Who would? I mean, there are tons of people who are absolutely fucking gorgeous! I know that models and singers and actresses aren't all super gorgeous, but there is quite a handful that don't even need make-up and they're absolutely flawless. Beautiful. Angelic.

I really believe the way I look, and the way I dress, are the reasons that people find no interest in me. People like to be mean to me. That's all people ever really do. The only people who aren't really mean to me are the people I talk to on the internet. I don't know why. When people meet me in person for the first time, or for the first time in awhile, they just don't seem to give a shit. it's like I'm not even there. Especially at school. I am so ignored at school. My math teacher always thinks that I'm not in the classroom. Even if she looks at me like 5 times during that period before taking the attendance. It's like I am the most non-existant person that has ever existed.

I can't stand high school Everyone always continues to say that these are the best years of my life. I think they're full of some bullshit. I hate it. I hate going. Not just because of homework, but because you are suppose to be having fun, too. Being silly and goofy and hanging with your friends and having some kind of experience that you would regret if you chose to not go through it. I walk around 8 times a day not saying a word to anyone. I feel lucky if someone speaks to me. I always think that they're just bored and that everyone is already in a conversation that you can't jump in, so they find me as a last resort to speak with. And lunch sucks, too. The only thing I do during lunch is listen to these two girls blab on and on about stupid shit. Like, whose ass this one chick is going to beat. How much certain people just talk shit, which is exactly what they're doing theirselves. Exactly what I am doing right now. That is my lunch period. I have no funny stories of my own with my friends. No funny memories to recall that were with friends.

I have been to two different schools just this fucking year. I can't believe I even chose to go. I feel like it is the worst mistake of my life. It really has been. I went to Bruceton for the majority of the semester. No one really seemed to care that I was there. A lot of people didn't seem to want to know me. I feel like they looked at me like I was some gross thing that just wound up in their school. The one person who I actually, seriously dated there hurt me. I sometimes wonder what I saw in her, too. I don't understand how all of that happened. I actually don't remember quite a bit of that. I was also failing all my classes. All of them. I couldn't do my math at all. I hardly ever did my math. Nothing in that school was working for me. Not to mention that it's on block schedule, which I can't stand. I hate sitting there for almost 2 hours in the classroom. It's different than sitting on the computer for two hours. I don't know why, but it just is.

And going back to my hometown's school seems stupid. I don't know what I was thinking when I made that decision. Not very many people even remember who I am. People in my math class are mean and stupid. I can't stand my English teacher. I don't think she even likes that I wound up in that class. No one at all talks to me in there. Let's see, Homeroom, I just try to lay my head down for 15 minutes, wating for the bell to ring to go to English. Biology, I am pretty much by myself in there, too. I usually lay my head down and try to fall alseep. Many failed attepts at that. Or I just read from one of the 3 books I am reading at the time. I talk some in Child Development; Sometimes laugh in there, too. World History, I guess it's okay. I talk sometimes in there, too, but I am usually just quiet and to myself.

I just don't even know. I got a Truth Box Comment on MySpace one day and someone said that I was stuck-up and then another person said that I need to stop trying to act bad ass and cool or something. I don't think I am stuck-up at all. If that is a reason why people don't talk to me, then they're really stupid. I am far from being that. I am just quiet, 'cause I don't think anyone cares that I exist. I feel like I am useless and worthless. Which is another thing that was left in my truth box. I also don't think that I am some bad bitch either. I just know that I could handle myself if it came to violence or something. I am really not afraid of anyone who would want to fight. As long as it was a fair fight of course. You know? Why bring weapons into something. The only people who do that are the people who can't defend theirselves. I also think I am far from cool, if you can't already tell that.

Gosh, thinking about all of what I just typed reminds me of that Megan girl who committed suicide 'cause of the shit people have said to her online, and in the "real" world. It just makes me wonder if that is going to be my life. I always seem to wonder if I am like some sort of twin to her or something. I mean, she was overweight, but she didn't have a baby, but still. People at school were mean to her, and she had some friends. Which also sounds like me. She also loved a variety of muisc, again, like myself. I don't want my life to come down to that. I mean, I would do anything for people just to like me, respect me and just love me as a person. I don't see that ever happening. I try to be positive about things, but like Megan, I am weak, too. I don't know how much more of the pressure of all this shit I can take.

I do know that if I was not scared of death, that I more than likely would not be here today. I would have been long gone years ago, really. I hate being unhappy, I really do. I feel like there is nothing I can do. There is so much that I want to be. I want to look different. I want everything about my appearance to change and I feel like there is nothing I can really do to make myself happy. I just feel like if I was smaller and prettier then people would actually care that I am here, that I am actually alive and that I was actually created with some kind of purpose. I just wish people could see that even though I'm not all these great things that I am a person worth talking to, a person worth listening to, having fun with, taking goofy-ass pictures with. I just feel like I am nothing to everyone. And I want to be something to everyone. I want to be some kind of person people look at and want to chill with. I just don't ever see that happening to me.

I see myself as being the loser who graduates high school and never does anything great with her life. The person who has no talent in anything. The person who barely passed high school and can never get into college or ever be famous. I just feel like I some kind of loser who is going to get older and just drink and smoke weed or something and then just burn out and fucking fade away like I was just erased from the world. That's more than likely what I am. I am just another burn-out loser from a small town.

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Writer's Block: To the Mat

Dec. 26th, 2008 | 01:55 am

If you were a superstar of professional wrestling, what would your wrestling name be? And what finishing move would you use to get to Wrestlemania?
Uhm, I don't think I could come up with my own wrestling name. lol. I can't even pick names for characters on The Sim.

If I could pick any wrestling that I'd like to be, past or present, it would probably be John Cena. He is one of my all-time favorite wrestlers. I just love how he is so real and passionate about the sport. If you're going to be a wrestler, you better have some passion. They work really hard. Harder than people might think. Just because some things ARE fake, does not mean that the whole entire show is.

I have watched one of John Cena's DVDS; Word Life. It was such an amazing biography to watch. He was once a body builder, which is why he is so muscular. He's not on steroids as of right now or anything. Also just hearing from his parents and his brother about how passionate he is about the business is really amazing to hear. He even made a cute little belt for his championship. lol

Well, enough about the present of wrestling. If I could be any wrestler from the PAST, it would more than likely have to be Trish Stratus. In the 90s, she was an important part of the female aspect of wrestling. She really had some skills in the ring. She is also very beautiful, which might have helped in the ratings back then, who knows. Another amazing wrestler is Mae Young. I know they did some stupid gimmacks with her in them, but she truly is what a female wrestler should be; tough and sweet. If you really watch her matches back when wrestling was just that, wrestling, she is amazing in the ring. Her and Fabulous Moolah (RIP), as well as Sensational Sherri (RIP). They are all or were, such amazing female athletes. They also didn't take shit from anyone. They're the true visual of wrestling.

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Dec. 25th, 2008 | 11:37 pm

Blah. I just feel like typing I guess. Well, I will just start off with my problems for anyone who wants to know. Let's see. I don't want to be single anymore. I also don't want to be with just anyone. I want to be with one person and that person knows who they are. It's so frustrating, too. I don't know what I can do to get rid of my feelings. They're not helping with anything, and it's really pointless for me to continue liking them. I mean, they're STRAIGHT! It would make sense for me to just let it go because I am gay, and they're not, right? Well, I just can't seem to do that. I'm sure other people who are gay would just push it away; out of their mind and just forget about it. I can't just let it go. As much as I want to, I can't.

I also don't understand this person either. Not even the slightest bit. It's really weird, strange and new to me. I've never thought that I would ever fall for someone who is confused, and then they just figure out who they are. When I think someone is not straight, I really believe that they are not straight. Never will be, ever.

I have never had a problem with knowing who I am, or even what I am, for that matter. I don't really know how to explain it either, but I guess that I could try. Okay, well, I have never known what bisexual was. I've always known what it was like to be Lesbian or just plain gay. I never knew there was like some kind of in-between. Ever since I found out that there is an in-between, I have always known that is what I am. I am bisexual. I'm very open about this, well, not too open, 'cause of some people's parents, family and friends and things of that nature. Not because I want to hide it, because I really don't. I hate hiding things like this from people. Anyways, back to the subject. I really believe that I have never known what it's like to be straight. Ever. I've never felt "straight". I've always felt different and somewhat out of the ordinary, I guess you could say. It frustrates me so much that I can't seem to understand this person. Every time this person and I try to have a conversation, I can't seem to understand it. I don't understand her point of view and where she is coming from. I have never had a problem with knowing who I was, in that sense. I've always known, in some way or another.

Ya'know, I try and talk to my friends about it. They usually just tell me to forget about her and just move on. If she ever wants to be with me, she will. If she ever changes her mind and I move on then she'll realize that she was stupid and missing out on a great person or something. I just want to be hers so bad that I can taste it. It seems all weird and crazy. Like, in a sense I do love her, but I'm not so sure if I am in love with her. I know people always say that you either love someone or you don't, but what I am trying to say is that yes, I have fallen for her, but it's not deep enough for me to call it love. It's just enough to drive me crazy. It's almost love. There is a good possibility that I will definitely fall in love with her. And that's scary. I mean, I'm not scared to fall in love, per se, it's just that I am scared of falling in love and her never loving me back. I really believe that is what is going to happen. I really do. That's a hell of a lot of pain to put myself through. I want to give up so bad and just stop worrying about it. Letting it go, but I just can't.

I just really wish that people would figure theirselves out before kissing someone or letting the other person's feelings get a little too strong. I know that people don't really control and manage other people's feelings. I know that they don't make the choice for people to fall in love with them, but if you think there might be a possibility of you not being something, then you should tell them before hand. Just like, let them know that things really shouldn't go further and that you might not even be sure.

I was told beforehand, but it seemed so different when I was around her, which is what makes me really confused. You know, you say one thing, but actions speak louder than words. If you could date two other girls, and then ALMOST date another one, I pretty much think that makes you gay. Especially if you truly loved one of them, and was kinda in love with the other.

I just can't understand this, I really can't. It's really hard for me to even picture her as straight now. I don't see her in that light anymore. Which is probably why I keep trying to go for it. I am so stupid for continuing on trying to get with her. It's not going to change anything, I know. I can't just magically make someone gay, but I just wanted a chance. If after awhile she really, truly knew she didn't want me then I could probably accept it. I guess with the fact that her and I never had a relationship, like girlfriend/girlfriend (lol), is what's making me take this so hard. How do you know that it's what you want if you never gave it a chance? How can you truly know that you're straight, if you've never gave someone else a chance?

I mean, being afraid to fall in love is normal. Maybe that's a reason why she won't be with me. I think that's a reason. She may say otherwise, but I really feel as though that's one of the problems. And her getting hurt by the first girl, and getting her heartbroken, doesn't mean to just go towards straight 'cause it may seem safer or whatever it is. Then, 'cause the second girl was nutty as hell, doesn't mean that me, the third girl isn't going to be good. I know that I am a good companion. Might not be for some people, but I really believe I could be good for a lot of people. Especially her. I really believe that I could make her happy if I was given the chance. How I long for that chance. I just want a fair chance to fill a hole in her life. A hole that she might not think is there. A hole that could be filled up with happiness, love and just fun. Whatever she would want in that little unoticable hole, I would like to fill. I want to be want fills up the emptiness. I want to be what makes her smile. I want to be what puts a gorgeous, addictive smile on her face. I want to be able to do that for her.

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Writer's Block: Use Your Power

Dec. 25th, 2008 | 11:25 pm

Our holiday gift to you: the question submitted most often to Writer's Block—if you could have a superpower, what would it be and how would you use it?
If I could have one superpower, I would want to be able to read people's minds. I mean, when you're interested in someone and they're interested in you or whatever, and things change, you're going to want to know what is up. Like, there is this chick that I have been interested in for the past 2 months or so, and she all of a sudden changed her mind. I don't understand why though. So, I would really like to be able to read minds just to find out what is really going through her head.

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